08 Apr, 2019

Last week, I posted about change and how the small changes always seem so big to me. Of course, the universe being what it is, has cemented this again for me. We are in the process of being approved for a loan to buy a home (which is super exciting yes but also is killing my nerves) and we have just been told that the amount we were given on Tuesday (which was exactly what we were hoping for) was actually calculated using wrong figures. Now, it isn't the end of the world. We can still borrow

01 Apr, 2019

Change: I'm okay with long term change. I'm 100% not okay with short term change. Change of plans. Being late. Things like that. My reaction? I just get mad. Not angry, just mad and heavily disappointed. The fact things have changed and it's out of my control just worries the shit out of me.

25 Mar, 2019

Let's Talk: Panic Attacks.Have you ever experienced one before? . Here is what happens to my mind and body when I have one. First, I get the need to poop (TMI I know) Then, my mind goes all foggy. I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing. It's like I'm running on auto-pilot. After this, the butterflies set in. It's not like normal butterflies though, it feels like it encompasses my whole body, right down to my toes. I think about all the horrible things that ARE going to happen. I

07 Mar, 2019

Me time. What does that actually mean? To me, it's spending quality time doing things I want to be doing...Without having to think about anyone else. But when I get down to the core of it, I can't seem to think of anything I want to do or achieve. I find it hard to remember what I enjoyed and what made me excited prior to having kids. My kids are my world and I wouldn't change a thing..I just wish I could have brought some of the old me into the new me.

02 Jan, 2019

Well 2019, what do you have in store for us this year? I always towards the future with excitement and followed by apprehension. Every New Years, as the clock turns 12am, I think about who I am going to lose this year. Depressing right? I hate that this is always my first thought into the new year. I try not to dwell on it but it always lingers. Day the first day goes by and celebrations start to reside I remember that a New Year isn't the time to worry but it's a time to reminisce and

14 Nov, 2018

So, it's been exactly a year since my body went into Septic Shock (a life-threatening illness caused by your body’s response to an infection which has a 50% mortality rate). The infection I had was Mastitis, although, I had no real symptoms of Mastitis until I arrived at the E.R. (If you want to read more about my experience you can read it here: http://www.theanxiousmumma.com/home/the-day-the-world-almost-stopped) This post isn't really about the Sepsis though, it's about the mental health

02 Apr, 2018

I watched this episode of Black Mirror today and it looked at how we rate ourselves and each other and how much emphasis this could potentially generate on our sense of self. I wonder what would happen if I was in that situation. Would I strive to achieve a better rating and try to increase others perception of my world, or would I just say 'Fuck this shit' and do my thing. Honestly, and I hate to say it, I think I would be the first. The people person. The person who wants to be liked and

05 Mar, 2018

I know it has been a while since I was in hospital, but it is still affecting me, and I need to try and let it go so here it is. In November I was taken to emergency by my life savers (literally) my sister and my Husband Craig. The night before I had the shakes. It was a warm night and we were watching NCIS or something like that and I could not stop shaking. I was given 2 blankets and cuddled up to my hot water bottle (hubby) but I still could not get warm. I checked my temperature, but it was

27 Feb, 2018

Okay so I thought Leap 3 was bad. This one is an absolute bitch. Goodbye long sleeps during the day, hello 4 month sleep regression! We are really lucky in that she is still sleeping through the night but OMG THE DAYS!!!!! She is sleeping for about 30 minutes each time then is settled for about 20 minutes afterwards until she realises she's still tired. Of course you are you poor poppet! I know it's a developmental phase and it WILL pass, but for now my brain feels like it is turning into

15 Feb, 2018

How do separate being a Mum and being you? I feel like my life revolves around other people and I forget me and what I enjoy and what makes me happy. I couldn't tell you what I like to do in my down time...I really don't know anymore. Most times I just sit by the computer and essentially watch the time fly by. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mum and wouldn't change it for the world but I just wish I didn't lose myself along the way. I've been thinking about what hobbies I can begin to learn

Today I lost it. Absolutely lost it. You know that feeling when it all becomes just way too much? Grace has had a horrible past 2 days. Crying constantly and refusing to do anything the way she usually does them. Taking forever to fall asleep, doesn't like being wrapped up (which means when she does FINALLY sleep she doesn't stay asleep), and is eating like an absolute odd ball. We usually never have a problem with her. Rarely cries (except when hungry because God forbid the kid doesn't eat

16 Jan, 2018

Last night, I took some very needed me time. After the family had gone to bed, I sat myself at my computer and binged watched numerous episodes and New Girl and How to Get Away with Murder (no spoilers please!!). I just kept watching and watching until finally I had to stop...it was 3am and Miss Grace was going to be up soon but shit it was awesome. I hopped into bed, put my phone down, lay down, got comfortable and tried to sleep. With the countdown to waking up going around and around in my

New Years Day is generally a day for the beginning of new resolutions. BOO TO THAT! I never ever keep them. Life happens. It takes us in so many different directions that it's impossible to say that you are going to do something for a full 365 days. But if I could bring anything from 2017 into 2018 it would be one thing: Love. Love encompasses all. I'm not just talking romantic love or love between family. I'm talking about all forms of love. From the love of a mother to a child to the love

29 Dec, 2017

No-one likes getting their period. Especially me. But this time, I hated it even more. It's my first period after having Grace. As I was sitting on the loo I came to the realisation that my journey of Grace's birth is now over. Craig and I decided that we aren't going to have any more kids....4 is enough! So why has the coming of my period made me question whether I want another a child? I think it's the whole finality of it all. I've had my baby and the last thing left for my body to do

22 Nov, 2017

The day started like any other Monday. I woke up, fed Evie he cereal for breakfast, neglected my own eating and watched too many kids shows with Evie. We met my sister and Evie went to her music class. Little did my Evie know that on that night, we would begin the process of bringing her little sister Grace into the world, a process that wouldn’t fully complete until the early hours of Wednesday morning. At 3pm we dropped Evie to her Great Grandmother’s house and made our way to the hospital for

15 Nov, 2017

Sorry I've been a bit quiet on here lately. On Monday I was taken into Emergency with fevers of 40 degrees Celsius. I've contracted Mastitis and am Septic. Long story short I'm still in hospital and "should" be out by tomorrow afternoon. That being said I was meant to be coming home today. I'm feeling really horrible and had a good hour of solid crying today. I feel like the most super shit mother being away from her newborn baby. I feel like my body has failed me and therefore I am failing my

18 Oct, 2017

At the hospital for a midwife visit and missing my Evie who is being looked after all day today. I've had my appointment and I have to see a doctor for a possible C section booking. Could be as early as this week. Now I just feel like crying because I miss my Evie and I'm sad and guilty about losing our Mummy and Evie time. Must not cry in the waiting room. Shit just got real.

11 Oct, 2017

38 Weeks pregnant and I am so bloody uncomfortable. Her cute little head is sitting right in my vagina and all I want to do is be able to take my pants off without crying. It is starting to overwhelm me a bit. How am I meant to last another 2 weeks? I feel completely useless. There is so much that I want to achieve but my body just won't let me. Everyone keeps saying "You're so close" and "Not long to go" which is completely true, but that doesn't help me for right now. It doesn't help that I

26 Sep, 2017

Just when you think you have your shit sorted, the toddler acts like.....a toddler. Evie has worked out how to get out of her cot. She's been doing it for a while now but generally, she will get herself back into bed or will fall asleep in her sisters bed which I don't have a problem with just as long as she is putting herself to sleep. The simplest solution is to move the cot away from the bed so she can't get out but now I have this phobia that she will still try to get out without the bed

11 Sep, 2017

I need help. Why is that so hard to say out loud? 3 small words. But instead of these 3 small words I dance around the issue and try to deal with them myself. Then what do you suppose happens?? Tick tick tick....... This pregnancy has hit me hard emotionally and physically. I've put expectations on myself which, in hindsight of course, were unrealistic and unexpected of me. However, I do these things because I tell myself I am strong and "I can do this". The reality is though, sometimes I